Jesus is still alive, I’ve just learnt. My daughter told me so in the bath.

Me: “Really? I’d have expected to have heard more about it. Where does he live?”
No.1: “In the woods.”
Me: “The woods?”
No.1: “Yes.”
Me: “Which woods?”
No.1: “The ones where we go for a walk.”
Me: “Then why haven’t we seen him?”
No.1: /silence
Me: “If he lives in the woods where we go then why haven’t we seen him?”
No.1: “He hides.”
Me: “Why does he hide?”
No.1: “He just does.”
Me: “Well, if Jesus is half as talented as I’ve heard then I’d really expect him to be making more of himself. Trying to help people and stuff. Sell bibles. All sorts.”
No.1: “He does help people.”
Me: “You told me he hides.”
No.1: “He only hides from the people who don’t need help. That’s why we haven’t seen him. And then he helps the people in the woods who need help.”
Me: “Does he do anything else in the woods?”
No.1: “He picks leaves off the trees.”
Me: “Why?”
No.1: “To build a house with.”
Me: “He’s building a house out of leaves?”
No.1: “Yes.”
Me: “That’s going to be a rubbish house. It will blow apart in the wind.”
No.1: “He ties the leaves together so they don’t fall apart.”
Me: “What does he tie them with?”
No.1: “String.”
Me: “Where does he get the string from?”
No.1: /silence
Me: “And what about the windows? Does his house have windows?”
No.1: “No. He just cuts holes in the leaves.”
Me: “Well in that case all the wind and rain will blow in and he’ll be wet, cold and grumpy.”
No.1: “It has got windows.”
Me: “It has got windows?”
No.1: “Yes.”
Me: “How does he make those?”
No.1: “With glass.”
Me: “Where does he get the glass from?”
No.1: “His house.”
Me: “The leaf house?”
No.1: “No, his other house. He has another house too.”
Me: “Another house? Made out of bricks like ours?”
No.1: “Yes.”
Me: “So why is he building a second house in the woods?”
No.1: “Because he likes it.”
Me: “And this other house. That happens to have an abundance of glass laying around does it?”
No.1: “No. He uses the glass out of the windows and takes that and puts that in his leaf house in the woods.”
Me: “So his other house hasn’t got any windows now?”
No.1: “No.”
Me: “Why didn’t he just stay in that house in the first place?”
No.1: “Because it hasn’t got any windows and it’s cold.”

Of course, I’m not stupid. I’m aware Jesus isn’t alive. If he were he’d be presenting the Late Night Phone In on BBC Radio Buckinghamshire. And guesting every now and then on QVC. Selling hats and bunting. He’s probably be part way through writing a self-help book but, y’know, there’s only so many hours. The people of High Wycombe need him. And those blessed twigs and baseball caps won’t sell themselves.