Why isn’t Forza Horizon shit?

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The odd thing about Forza Horizon is that despite committing three of my personal Driving Game Cardinal Sins it actually manages to be really quite excellent.

  1. The narrative. I mean, seriously. It’s a racing game. Why on earth would I want a narrative infused into it? Even if it were a genuinely compelling and well produced narrative I’d remain dubious. But it’s not, obviously – it’s like watching one of Bay’s Transformers film but with all the robots edited out. PES 2013 was guilty of this with those absurd mid ‘90s boardroom sequences in Master League that felt like the most boring Shenmue cutscene ever. Over and over again. I mean, when I play FIFA 13 I’m ultimately playing for the narrative. But it’s a personal, psychological narrative. I’m playing as Southampton in the Premier League FFS! To me that’s one of the most inherently exciting stories in the world. The commentators, the transfer controversy, the star player getting benched – every single bit is there. In my head. Where it should be. I run through it all Match of the Day style when I’m in bed falling to sleep. If the game attempted to displace this with its own narrative the whole illusion would be destroyed. (Incidentally, with every FIFA release in the last few years EA has slowly upped its enforced narrative in Career mode but still, I think, stays on the right side of too much. FIFA 13 just gets away with it.)

  2. Forza Horizon’s North American Rural Canyon Community. Who gives a fuck, right? The Horizon gameworld is beautiful and despite it all I DO love it, but c’mon – I’ve seen this setting (albeit never as well realised as this) a hundred times before. Give me something different. Asia maybe, or any one of many European locations that spring to mind.

  3. In my book you’re either Outrun or you’re Gran Turismo 5. Forza has always received more praise than its driving model deserved. It doesn’t even come close to giving you that feeling Gran Turismo 5 (and to a lesser extent, Shift 2 and sometimes GRID) does. That, by the way, is the feeling of being behind the wheel of a MENTAL FAST HEAVY FUCKING METAL DEATH MACHINE. So what do they do in Horizon? They dumb it down even more. Duh. But actually, it completely works for reasons I’m not talented enough to explain. It forces you to drive the car, not direct it (as it should) but doesn’t punish you for existing in the world that surrounds you. Friction variation form surface changes are reduced massively, but enough detriment is maintained to make it worth your while to stay on the straight and narrow. Really, it’s one of those odd things about the game that just works. For me it’s up there with Gran Turimso 5, Burnout 2 and PGR3 as one of the best driving models ever made.

So the conclusion is that I hate it. Or at least that is the conclusion when I appraise its elements logically. And that just proves that logic is stupid because Forza Horizon is genuinely really, really great.

Red pill blue pill and all that bollocks

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But when you think about it, which is the lie?

The fears, hates, resentment and dread you feel when you’re in the grip of depression? Or the way on which you can let it all flow over you when you’re not?

Ultimately all you can do is remain mindful that both, equally, could be a deception. Or both, equally, could be the truth. It’s only if you subscribe resolutely to one or the other that you’re fucked.

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We’ve just started the fifth series – that’s the eleventh Doctor, Matt Smith. Must have clocked everything up to this point in under two months. Doctor Who is quite aggressively occupying a significant part of my conscious mind, almost to the point of distraction.

Can’t possibly formulate any structured thoughts at this juncture , but I’m moved to throw around some random ones:

  1. Tennant is my favourite Doctor. I thought it was Smith, but it’s not.

  2. Tennant in the Emotional Doctor. Smith is the Eccentric Doctor. Who is Ecclestone? The Stiff Upper Lip Doctor? Of course, he had it hardest. Just one series, and the first too. Doctor Who had yet to reassert itself. And Ecclestone admits he had more or less no character direction. Compare that to how precisely shaped the eleventh Doctor is, with each syllable and eye movement precisely predetermined by the production team and writers.

  3. I wept. I wept when Tennant said goodbye to Rose the first time. I wept when he handed her over to The Other Doctor in Journey’s End. There’s a moment – a very precise moment – when the character confronts the curse that is The Last of the Timelords. And it destroyed me. Today must have been the third of fourth time I’ve seen The End of Time. But watching it as part of a near daily schedule of Who viewings killed me. I was upset as Tennant at the idea of letting him go.

  4. I remember when I first found out that Catherine Tate was returning to be a full-time companion. I was pissed off. Yet she turned out to be the second best companion behind Rose! Incredible.

  5. The Master probably deserved better episodes. But John Simm’s interpretation of the character is so utterly compelling I still love every moment of all five Master episodes.

  6. The TARDIS is by some significant margin the most characterised non-speaking box to ever grace fiction. It’s so amazingly intrinsic to the character of The Doctor.

  7. Asylum of the Daleks is my favourite single-part Doctor Who episode.

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I’ve been watching a lot of Doctor Who of late. All of it, in fact. From the beginning, with my daughter. You see a show different when you watch it with daily intensity. And it was this moment that last night really struck me as the defining one for The Doctor.

It’s the final moment of Journey’s End – episode 13, series 4. It’s not really an episode that struck me when I watched it originally in 2008. But this time it completely bowled me over.

This is the moment Tennant so brilliantly captures the Curse of the Doctor.

Sarah Jane Smith has her son. Martha and Mickey have Torchwood. Jackie returns to her husband. Donna doesn’t even know who he is.

And Rose. Rose has found her Doctor. A Doctor who loves her in a way that THE Doctor was not able to. And THE Doctor has to stand there on the beach of Bad Wolf Bay and watch his imposter steal his dream.

He returns to his TARDIS. Alone with the rest of the universe. Ultimately, always alone. That’s the story of The Doctor and this is the moment that tells it.

Eight things about Saints’ 2012 Premier League start

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1. I know I should be pleased about how things have gone so far

But it’s hard to be. The two 2-1 leads we’ve dropped were to the best two teams in the country, yes. And we’ve enjoyed periods of attacking brilliance against both. BUT we’ve still dropped two 2-1 leads. And we’re bottom of the table. And our defence looks suspect.

2. It’s Wigan that sticks in the throat

If we’d had got three points at home to Wigan then two fantastic losing displays against City and United would feel much sweeter. But we cannot afford to be a team that turns it on against the big boys and doesn’t turn up against the rest.

3. For the first time ever I’m critical of Adkins

Not so much for the Manchester City loss. But to take off our most effective attacking players in Lallana and Lambert to try and defend our way to victor against United was madness. Our defence is weak. Our best form of defence is attack. As soon as we started dropping deeper and hoofing the ball up the pitch the United game was only going to head one way. As we bought in so little in the way of defenders in the transfer window, let’s just stick at what we’re obviously good it – aggressive, skilful attacking play. We can outscore opponents but I’m not confident we can contain them.

4. But that doesn’t mean talk of Adkins losing his job isn’t ludicrous

Because it is. This man has seen us through two successive promotions and led us to our first silverware in decades (yes, the Johnstone Paint Trophy counts as silverware). Adkins made an error today, but I’m sure he knows that. He has the team playing progressive, positive football and he’s built a decent squad. And if nothing else he’s earned a stab at the Premiership. They say results are what counts but, y’know, sometimes decency counts for more. Not that I think Adkins will need to rely on sentiment to retain his employment. He’s one of the brightest young managers in the country and is the right man for the job. There are only three managers I’d swap him for – Ferguson, Wenger and Moyes. Judas Redknapp, of all people, is not welcome.

5. £29.3m

We made the third most expensive signing of transfer deadline day (Ramirez – £12m) and were the joint fifth biggest spenders in the window (£29.3m). That’s a good spend, too – not silly spend (although I might reassess that if we do indeed bring in Del Piero on 1m Euros a year as rumoured). Clyne looks the business. Rodriguez? Who knows, as the £7m transfer (who seemed on the pricey side) can’t get a game at the moment. Time will tell if Ramirez proves to be the hit pundits are expecting, or if Mayuka can cut it in the Prem. Davis is a sound signing. God knows about the two keepers. But it’s good. It shows that Cortese and his adopted family means business. We’re on solid ground.

6. Super Rickie Lambert

Nothing has pleased me more than Lambert getting on the Premier League’s scoresheet. Two goals in three games. And against the two Manchester’s too. As with Adkins, he’s earned his top flight chance after years of success in the lower leagues. I had no idea if he’d cut it in the Championship last season. He ended up as the top scorer. I’m now sure he has the goods to do well in the Prem and I sincerely wish him all the best. A true Saints No.7.

7. Our friend Billy Sharp

In the same way that Lambert and Adkins have earned their chance this year, Billy did the same. So I was really quite upset when we shipped him out to Forest. The club let itself down there.

8. And Ward-Prowse and Schneiderlin

I’m not sure if anyone saw these successes coming. Morgan never really stamped hi authority on the Championship but looks right at home in the top league. And 17 year old Ward-Prowse! Credit again to Adkins – he saw it, and James is delivering.